Amazon has the Autel MaxiScan MS300 OBD-II Code Reader for $20 with free shipping on $25+. Compatible with 1996 and later OBD II-compliant vehicles, reads and displays Diagnostic Trouble Codes (DTCs). Now you'll know whether you need a new engine or you're just low on wiper fluid.
Also on NewEgg. http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=9SIA0XA0851767
OK, I'm in for the square root of 1...