Arm Yourself: “Safe” Toy Weapons You Don’t Need Permits For

By on December 12, 2013

Ever since Wolfenstein made it okay to want to shoot things (you were just shooting Nazis in that game, it’s not like you were hurting people), our society has grown to not only accept its bloodlust, but to embrace and even cuddle it.  This is a day and age where 10-year-olds can list more types of guns than they can U.S. Presidents. In their defense, an AK-47 is way more fascinating than Martin Van Buren.

So, what do you do to vent these primal hunting instincts built up inside you, but can’t bring yourself to shoot a deer that may or may not be a mother to some Bambi-like deer cub? Don’t give up on your bloodlust! Just get safer weapons.

Mazooka Marshmallow Shooter

Mazooka Marshmallow Shooter

“Eat lead!” Sounds a little harsh. How about something like, “Eat a delicious, pillowy treat!”  Yeah, that sounds nice – and much tastier than lead!  The Mazooka Marshmallow Shooter is the perfect way to unleash your animalistic rage without hurting anything… except your girlish figure.

Check Amazon for the Mazooka Marshmallow Shooter

Cap Launcher Bottle Opener

Cap Launcher Bottle Opener

In the vein of a Swiss Army Knife, we like tools that can also serve other useful functions. Something to help us smite our enemies and keep our fingernails dirt-free. That’s why we like the Cap Launcher Bottle Opener – it opens your bottle and shoots the cap. Perfect for drinking brews with the bros, as best friends make the best targets.

Buy the Cap Launcher Bottle Opener Here

Rubber Band Shotgun

Rubber Band Shotgun

Sure, you could just use your thumb and forefinger as a rubber band gun… but compared to this Rubber Band Shotgun, you’re just bringing a knife to a gun fight. This puppy offers three different firing modes: single shot, rapid fire, and shotgun blast! Everything else aside, this gun has a pump-action handle, so you don’t have to rub your finger and make that “click-click” noise every time you cock.

Buy the Rubber Band Shotgun Here

Miniature Ballista

Miniature Ballista

Whether you’re a brilliant Roman general storming Dorset or an irate pencil-pusher storming Mike from HR, you’ll be glad you brought along your ballista! Equally appealing to history buffs and bored workers, this Miniature Ballista shoots miniature wooden bolts using the Roman’s mastery of engineering that lives on today at the Ferrari factory.

Check Amazon for the Miniature Ballista

BudK Night Watchman Hat

BudK Night Watchman Hat

Let’s take a break from all these toy weapons and talk about a real one: this plain-looking baseball cap. When discussing weapon presentation, there’s two schools of thought: intimidate them with something that looks fearsome, or surprise them with something that doesn’t. Guess which one the BudK Night Watchman Hat is? Inside this mild-mannered hat lurks a dark alter-ego – in the form of lead plates! One swing can knock a man out and make him flinch every time someone tips their hat!

Check Amazon for the BudK Night Watchman Hat

Airow Gun 50 Caliber Paintball Gun

Airow Gun 50 Caliber Paintball Gun

Trigger finger got the bends from too much flag capturing? Why don’t you switch it up, Rambo-style? While technically not a bow and arrow (because how do you affix a shaft to an exploding ball of liquid?), the Airow Gun 50 Caliber Paintball Gun lets you fire with a pull-and-release bow string mechanism. Get the accuracy of a sniper with the panache of an elven archer!

Buy the Airow Gun 50 Caliber Paintball Gun Here

Junior Devastator Gatling Gun

Junior Devastator Gatling Gun

Time to bring out the big guns! This is what all those first-person shooters were training us for. At 3 feet long and 2 feet high, this Junior Devastator Gatling Gun is the atom bomb of office space warfare. This beauty fires 80 rapid-fire shots up to 40 feet away. With vertical and horizontal swiveling, there’s no place Mike from HR can hide. And it’s custom-built from fine materials by skilled woodworkers, which may explain the price tag. If this is the Junior Devastator, we’d hate (love!) to see the Big Momma!

Buy the Junior Devastator Gatling Gun Here

About Matt Ellis

Freelance web writer. I like science, comics, and long walks on the beach. I write and draw this webcomic in crayon.

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