Proper Gnomenclature: Misfit Garden Gnomes

By on December 5, 2013

Everybody knows gnomes are real. How else do plants grow so tall – photosynthesizing sunlight into energy using chlorophyll? What kind of magic mumbo-jumbo is that? You might as well say they hocus-pocus energy out of abracadabra! No, in the age of science, the only logical explanation for what makes our gardens grow is tiny humanoids that live underground.  And they wear pointy hats.

We rely on garden gnomes for so much, and yet we know almost nothing about their culture. It’s hard to study a species that spends most of their time underground because they’re kind of stuck-up. Luckily, recent discoveries have shed some light on these dark-dwellers, and we now know that, like humans, not all gnomes are the same.  Apparently gnomish culture has its own societal norms, mostly involving gardening, hanging around with dopey expressions, or looking satisfied after a long day of work. And wherever there are societal norms… there are always the misfits.

Scarface Gnome

Scarface Gnome

When a gnome says to us, “say hello to my little friend,” our first thought is, “oh, he’s bringing along his little gnome drinking buddy.” It never occurred to us that the Scarface Gnome was referring to his gun… and that was the last mistake we ever made. And you’ll be glad you have a gnome packin’ more than a bushel of vegetables in your garden – you’re going to need that firepower for…

Buy the Scarface Gnome Here

Zombie Gnomes

Zombie Gnomes

The lawn flamingo never had a chance. The Zombie Gnomes set a frightening tableau of a post-apocalyptic garden, one where the only two rules are survival and water your plants daily. There’s a lot of different styles of zombie gnomes at Chris and Jane’s Place, so if you like zombies and alienating yourself from your neighbors, check it out.

Buy the Zombie Gnomes Here

Gnome on the Throne

Gnome on the Throne

Everyone poops. Don’t act so surprised – they wrote an entire book on the subject. Mythological and possibly non-existent creatures are no different. This Gnome on the Throne shows a side of the gnomes we’d never seen before… nor did we want to.

Buy the Gnome on the Throne Here

Biker Gnomes

Biker Gnomes

These Biker Gnomes make a cute couple, don’t they… at least until you get in their way at a Rolling Stones concert.

Buy the Biker Gnomes Here

Stripper Gnome

Stripper Gnome

We better remember to bring singles home! This Stripper Gnome represents a small sub-sect of gnomes that don’t wear beards… and that’s not the only thing she’s not wearing!

Buy the Stripper Gnome Here

Jerry Hippie Gnome

Jerry Hippie Gnome

Sure, the Jerry Hippie Gnome likes gardening as much as the next gnome… but it’s not fresh tomatoes that he‘s growing.  Promoting peace, love, and bad fashion (even by gnome standards), this burnout is the perfect spirit guardian for the soy gardens of your hippie commune.

Buy the Jerry Hippie Gnome Here

Hipster Gnome

Hipster Gnome

“Gardening? I think there’s an app for that.” As a natural loiterer, the Hipster Gnome makes a great lawn decoration. He’s got the glasses, the scarf, and the Chuck Taylors – and he had them all before they were cool, as we’re sure he mentioned already.

(We were making hipster jokes before they were cool.)

Buy the Hipster Gnome Here

Solar Mooning Gnome

Solar Mooning Gnome

Tell passers-by what you really think of them! The next best thing to actually mooning everyone who walks past your house, this Solar Mooning Gnome sends a clear message that whoever owns this garden is a bit… off. But that’s not all – this little guy’s ass cheeks are solar-charged, so at night there’s more than just one moon in the sky!

Buy the Solar Mooning Gnome Here

About Matt Ellis

Freelance web writer. I like science, comics, and long walks on the beach. I write and draw this webcomic in crayon.

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