Tip Your Cap to these Bottle Openers

By on December 17, 2013

Binge drinking can be fun, but it takes such a toll on your wrist! If you’re planning on uncapping brew after brew, you better come prepared – if you can’t open that Cute Girl’s bottle, some other guy can. The ability to open bottles is the number one thing girls look for in guys according to Cosmo (I’m assuming – I never finished the article because I got distracted by the pictures).

If you don’t have the agility to do with a lighter or countertop, and if you don’t have the badassery to do it with your teeth, you’re going to have to do what millions of less-than-strong men have done before you. Rely on your personality. And what better way to show off your charming self than with unique bottle opener? Girls form their opinion of guys based on their bottle openers more than their cars or jobs, according to Cosmo. (Again, I’m assuming here because I never got around to the article… there was a pretty racy bra ad on the page before, so…)

Pi Bottle Opener

Pi Bottle Opener

Like most people, we dreamed of owning a 5-inch steel pi symbol ever since we were little, but never in our wildest dreams did we imagine that it could also open beer bottles! This Pi Bottle Opener unlocks your brew just like it unlocks the dimensions of a circle. It’s easy as pie – which is to say, it’s a lot less difficult than pi!

Buy the Pi Bottle Opener Here

Minecraft Pickaxe Bottle Opener

Minecraft Pickaxe Bottle Opener

An officially licensed Minecraft product!? We’ll buy it!… But what is it? This Minecraft Pickaxe Bottle Opener is a “pick”-xilated pickaxe that you need to collect something far better than ores and blocks – a buzz!

Buy the Minecraft Pickaxe Bottle Opener Here

Millennium Falcon Bottle Opener

Millennium Falcon Bottle Opener

This what the Millennium Falcon does, people – it circumvents tight spots so you can get where you need to go, whether it’s Alderaan or Drunksville. This Millenium Falcon Bottle Opener ain’t no piece of junk – she’ll make point-five past lightspeed so you can make point-one passed the legal limit.

Buy the Millennium Falcon Bottle Opener Here

Luchador Bottle Opener

Luchador Bottle Opener

If you can’t get your bottle open yourself, ask someone stronger… like a luchador! This Luchador Bottle Opener will give you a show as it grapples and tugs to get your beer cap off. And, unlike American Wrestler bottle openers, this one isn’t staged!

Check Amazon for the Luchador Bottle Opener

Happy Hour Timepieces

Happy Hour Timepiece

“It’s 5 o’clock somewhere,” is a slogan that’s the exact opposite of any of the “inspirational quotes” you’d hear at AA. But the Happy Hour Timepieces aren’t promoting prudence or self-control. These watches are “geared” towards drinking in two ways: the watch face always highlights 5 o’clock, and the watch band doubles as an opener! You wait your whole day for 5. Once it arrives, don’t waste another minute!

Buy the Happy Hour Timepieces Here

Marvel Silver Surfer Bottle Opener

Marvel Silver Surfer Bottle Opener

Is there anything that magic surfboard can’t do? The Marvel Silver Surfer Bottle Opener is another fanboy favorite – it utilizes one of the shiniest superheroes to help herald the oncoming arrival of a drunken party animal that eats everything. Available in several different colors – just kidding, only silver!

Buy the Marvel Silver Surfer Bottle Opener Here

Unpackman

Unpackman

How frightening is the Unpackman!? We never thought something as wholesome and simple as Pacman could be made into some kind of robot vampire! We thought the ghosts were supposed to be the scary ones! Regardless, whipping out the Unpackman at a party is bound to get noticed… but if he opens the big bottle cap, he’s going to come get you next!

Buy the Unpackman Here

About Matt Ellis

Freelance web writer. I like science, comics, and long walks on the beach. I write and draw this webcomic in crayon.

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